~Second time~

My sister seems to come to my rescue quite often. Kinda funny considering Im older. She has always been the more responsible one. So when I need to be “mothered” she’s right there mothering. I will blog more about this later lol.
This was no exception I had lost my mind and she was frantically driving me towards a Portland hospital so I don’t kill myself. I don’t think I was really suicidal but If I could have wished myself dead I would have. I was too emotionally battered to have a “plan” or put any real effort into killing myself.
But due to past attempts I think it’s always in people’s minds.
The first hospital sign we came to was about 20 min before Portland. She took that exit and walked me into the Er. I willingly checked in and was being honest with the staff about what was going on and I was ok with everything until I asked if I could have a cigarette and they told me no. My whole attitude changed I was pissed and wanted to leave. But surprise it’s too late you have been put on a 72hr psych hold. You can’t leave. You can’t smoke. You are being transferred to another hospital, in Portland, with an open bed. That is set up for psych patients.
I remember the nurse bringing me a nicotine patch, I ripped it off and threw it. I wanted to shut my door and she said it needed to stay open. I remember slamming it shut every time she opened it. I remember her bringing in a hospital gown and telling me I needed to change. I told her no. She said you have to, we can do it the easy way or the hard way (calling the cops to hold you down as we do it for you) I said fuck that I will change. I yanked the gown from her and she just stood there. I told her “u can leave I said I would change” she said actually I can’t. I said ” you have got to be joking, you have to fucking watch me?” I couldn’t imagine it being anymore humiliating.
Since this hospital was not equipped for psych patients they put you in a room that is all windows directly in front of the nurses station. So they can watch you.
She offered me Ativan. I took it. I was aloud to have it every hour while I was waiting for transport to the other hospital. So I made a scene for it every hour on the hour. How else was I going to survive this?
After what felt like a life time, transport arrived. I was so happy to leave that hospital, and that nurse who I think enjoyed tormenting me. I really didn’t know what to expect next.
  I remember being scared and wanting to go home, and at this time  I still wasn’t sure where home was, and that scared me even more. I arrived at the hospital at.bed time………..more to come


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