~FIRST TIME~

    After pissing everyone in my family off and my failed attempt to help someone who I believed really needed it, I gave up. I had become this pathetic shell of a person there was nothing left inside of me. Emotionally, Physically, and spiritually I was defeated. I don’t know how my whole world managed to flip upside down without me noticing but,I didn’t care anymore. I was tired of caring. I was tired of being let down, and tired of being tired. So I checked myself into the hospital..
        I made sure I didn’t tell anyone where I was going, I even told the hospital staff not to let anyone know I was there. I  went as far as packing a suit case and dis rummaging through things in my room to throw them off. Pretty dramatic, I know.
      . I wanted everyone to worry. I wanted them to suffer because I was suffering. Can’t someone please make it all STOP??? I had to get away from everyone and everything. I needed to be as far away from my life as I could get..
              At the hospital, that I put myself into, I spent the whole night cuddled up to the toilet puking. Replaying the past week over and over again in my head. Only coming up for air when  my scheduled ativan dose was due. I avoided talking to anyone, or asking for help. I  knew one of the staff members.(one major draw back of working in the health industry and having a mental illness)
           This induce a little paranoia.  He was possibly still in contact with a lot of people I knew and maybe some I currently worked with. No way I wanted everyone I worked with knowing all the details of my breakdown. Seeing him made it impossible to get any real help. There was no way I would be honest about anything. Even though they say they have all these confidentiality rules, they are not enforced. I know because I have broken many myself.
         Working in healthcare, gave me a pretty good understanding, of what the therapists and doctors, need to hear before discharging  a patient. So after my meds were adjusted to my liking, I told them what they needed to hear and got the fuck out of there. I admitted myself too which made the whole process a lot simpler.


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